Aaron couldn't sleep. He felt absolutely terrible, and more importantly, responsible for the tongue lashing Emily had endured at that evening's Rose Ceremony. Most of him understood that logically, he couldn't be at fault, but that didn't stop the guilt from flooding his stomach. Even now, he stood out on the little balcony of his house, wanting nothing more that to be beside Emily, comforting her. Well, assuming she needed the comfort. He bit his lower lip. He wasn't supposed to go over there, he was supposed to stay at his place and they were supposed to stay at theirs, at least until all of the flights left tomorrow. But he couldn't just sit around remembering the pain in Emily's eyes.
Rules or no rules, he was going over to that house. So he exchanged his pyjama pants for seldom-used track pants and a t-shirt before climbing into the SUV in the driveway. He didn't care much what it was for, or even if he was able to use it, just about getting to the house. He went around the back, knowing that the back door was rarely locked. He didn't have to look far in the house. Emily sat on the couch in the main living room, her head tilted back as soft music floated around the room.
"Emily?"
She looked up, startled. "My God."
"Sorry," he said immediately, keeping his voice down. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"It's fine," she replied. Then she paused. "What are you doing here?"
He moved until he sat on the coffee table in front of her. "Kate had no right to say what she did."
Emily shrugged a shoulder. "It's not a problem."
"It is Emily. You wouldn't be down here, at this hour, if it wasn't a problem. And I thought we had a deal."
She tried for a smile. "She's not the first person who has called me names, Aaron," she said quietly. "Contrary to the childhood rhymes, names do hurt."
He knew that. Half of their UNSUBs started from bullies in high school. "Tell me about it."
Emily looked away from him. "For once, it's not even something in my childhood," she began softly, and he had the feeling she knew better than to keep fighting him at this point. And that everything was on the line for the next three weeks. "I told you I came back to the States for my high school years, right?"
"Then went to Yale," he agreed.
Emily nodded her head once. "With my background and my language ability, I was a shoo-in for the State Department. That doesn't mean I don't work hard, that doesn't mean I didn't work hard."
He took her hand. I'm here, I'm listening. Keep talking.
"You try and get rid of them first. Find the person who started the rumour, and find a way to stop it in its tracks. But some rumours just don't stop. Some just keep going, following you everywhere you go. And some people think that they can use that to their advantage. Some decide that since you used your parents' name to get to where you are, that you'll do anything else to climb the ladder."
Aaron knew where this was going and he knew that Emily was much too proud of where she was and who she was to allow anyone to sacrifice her morals or her pride.
"There wasn't anything anyone ever had over me," she kept going. "I've never used my mother's name to get ahead in any game. I've never used who I am to get a better job or get something I could get with hard work and dedication. I swore to myself when I was a child I would be my own person, that my parents could only have a hold on me until I was 21 and then all of the choices I made were going to be for me and only me. I worked and trained to get into the State Department."
"I believe you," he said quietly.
Her eyes darted to his, as if realizing he was still sitting in front of her. "One of my supervisors didn't. He figured he could manipulate the queen of the politics game into getting an extra little something on the side. He figured I was ambitious enough and wanted to climb the ladder of the State Department so badly that I'd do anything he asked. Anything."
"I understand," he promised, his spine shivering with the implication that someone had even gone that far with her. Protective instincts reared up in him and he gripped her hand tighter.
"I didn't know what to do. I mean, when I turned him down the first few times, he cornered me after work one day in his office. Told me if I didn't, he'd fire me. That's the only time I've ever used my name to get anything, and it was to get away from him. I found out later he'd pulled the same stunt with women before me. I was the last woman he ever screwed with, literally and metaphorically."
"Did you...?"
"No," she answered immediately. "But I had people within the department afraid of me pulling my name on them for a while. I'm pretty sure there's still some people who refuse to work with me."
If anything, Aaron was struck once again by her strength. Not only had this woman experienced her best friend taking her own life, but she'd been through probably years of sexual harassment and people whispering behind her back that she was nothing better than a glorified little rich girl, floating on her parents' coattails. He moved slowly, so as not to startle her until he was sitting beside her. His hands still gripped hers though pulled it into his lap. He started tracing her long, elegant fingers.
"The BAU has the highest burn out rate in the entirety of the Bureau," he began quietly. "The things we see people do to other people, to women, to children, to defenceless human beings... Well, let's just say it's not exactly a surprise that so many people leave the unit."
"I know that," she said softly.
Of course she did. She'd have done her research. He smiled grimly. "What they don't tell you is that you make your own family where you can. The unit isn't exactly conducive to anything outside of the job. We're called out at all hours, fly across the country at the drop of a hat, and there's never anything as a set schedule. It wears on you. There are always cases that effect agents, ones that either just stick or ones where you remember the victims or resemble the victims... Or worse."
"Worse?" she asked quietly.
He blew out a breath, not surprised with how easily she slipped into the mode of compassionate woman and strong pillar. He'd meant to come here to reassure her and he wondered if that was really what he was doing by sharing this with her.
"My past as a unit chief isn't clean in the slightest. I got the job because my predecessor miscalculated and was blamed for blowing up three agents. Severe PTSD. He came back, eventually, but left without a word to any of us. Another one of my agents shot a man in cold blood because the case had affected her so bad. That was after she'd been shot by an UNSUB in her own home because we didn't play by his rules."
He felt her shiver, but she didn't move away. Her shoulder leaned against his and he felt her head drop to settle right between his neck and shoulder. "Keep going."
Aaron let go of her hand with one of his, bringing it up to play with the ends of her hair. "I had an agent put onto my team to spy on me, to find a legitimate reason to let me go. She asked me what on earth she could have on me. At that point, not only had Elle potentially murdered a suspect, but one of my other agents was dealing with a drug addiction. He'd been kidnapped, drugged repeatedly... But to some people, family is more important and I was in no position to call him out."
Silence fell for a few moments before she spoke. "It takes guts to admit that you have problems," she said quietly. "And I doubt your team would come to help you make this decision if you didn't mean something to them, if they didn't care about who you picked through all of this."
He laughed slightly, kissing the top of her head. "How is it that I came over here to tell you Kate was out of line and you end up reassuring me?"
"Relationships are all about give and take," she said, and he could hear the smile in her voice.
He needed something light-hearted to talk about, something that wasn't about his work. "Tell me something."
She pulled her head away, meeting his eyes with trepidation. "Maybe..."
"Who am I going to meet in...?"
"Washington," Emily replied. "And I'm not sure..."