That was news Derek hadn’t suspected in the slightest and he knew it showed on his face. He didn’t even realize Penelope had moved until the only chair in the room hit the back of his knees. He sat down. Hard.
Penelope was trying to keep herself from babbling. It was her nervous habit, worse than shaking hands and buckling knees. It was getting worse and worse as he continued to stare quietly. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” She almost had to bite her own tongue to keep from saying anything else.
“Am I the last to know?” he managed to force out.
“Reid and Morrow don’t know,” she replied. “And if Hotch knows, I didn’t tell him.”
“Em knows?”
Penelope forced out a laugh. “Yeah.” She’d heard about the brunette’s conversation with Derek and knew it was probably that conversation that had him extending the olive branch to continue their friendship, even if it was without the sexual undertones.
“We need to talk about this,” he said, running a hand over his head. This felt like a bigger bombshell than being arrested in Chicago.
Penelope took a deep breath. She had no idea where her reserves of strength had come from. “Yeah,” she agreed, clasping her hands to hide their shaking. “Let me know.”
“Now.”
She blinked. She’d assumed he’d want time to process what she’d just told him. “Oh.” His hands went to her stomach, a protective gesture.
“Not here.” His eyes were a mess of emotions as they met hers. “Your place?”
She had vanilla ice cream at home and strawberry jam, a combination while not as disgusting as the urban legends she’d heard cravings to be had been her vice nonetheless. That was more of a pull than the push of the memory of the last emotional night they’d spent at her apartment. “Sure.”
He stood, towering over her in flats. He hadn’t noticed that. She looked so much more vulnerable and delicate than the formidable technical goddess he knew her to be. Derek sighed, gripping her hands to pull her into his arms. It was the first time he’d allowed himself to hold her since Tuscon and he could feel the growing bulge of her stomach. His heart swelled at the thought. “I’m happy, I think.”
She knew the feeling all too well, but couldn’t resist “ needed “ to tease him. “You think? That’s not all that comforting.”
He chuckled, the sound strained. “Well, Mama, it’s the best I can give you right now.”
Penelope snorted at the endearment. “I’ll meet you there.”
“Are you okay to drive?” Derek asked in concern, pulling away to cup her cheeks in his palms. His protective instincts were already in overdrive when it came to the woman in his arms. The knowledge that she was carrying a child, ‘delicate’ as so many referred to pregnant woman, hiked those instincts up exponentially.
She gripped his wrists to pull him away. It was enough emotional turmoil to think of the conversation they were about to have without having to think about his touch on her skin again. “I’ve been driving for years. I think I can get myself home just fine.”
“Okay,” he said, sounding dubious. “I have to grab a couple of things from my desk. I’ll meet you there?”
“I’m on my way,” she assured him.
Impulsively, he pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I’ll see you in twenty minutes.”
If she didn’t melt into the floor right there. She let out a breath when the door closed behind her. The last thing she needed was to concentrate on a pipe dream. It was just a matter of quickly shutting down her secret weapons and gathering her purse before heading out the door. She had to remind herself to breathe as she drove Esther back to her complex. Usually, she ran on nerves, on adrenaline. It was a demand of her job, much like her insomnia usually was.
She vaguely wondered what it would be like when her child was born, how she was going to handle her job and a new baby. It was going to be difficult enough since it wasn’t like she could leave Peanut with Derek. He left on cases. She chuckled to herself as she thought about bringing a baby into her lair. She’d have to hide Peanut in a corner, make sure her baby couldn’t see the horrors she dealt with. She’d wager her insomnia during cases would more than certainly come in handy.
Penelope tried to let her mind wander as she walked up the steps to her apartment. The last thing she wanted to do was dwell on the fact that Derek was about to come over to talk about the one thing that had completely and totally altered her life. Well, meeting Derek aside, because that had probably been the first step in the completely life-altering process. Instead, she let her mind go about her plans for the next couple of days and the precision art of making a sundae.
Nevertheless, the knock made her jump and made her heart beat painfully against her ribs. The nerves were back and they were back with a vengeance. Butterflies made her hands shake as she went to open the door. He had a key “ for emergencies that she’d never really bothered to take back “ but she had a feeling it was his manners that had him knocking instead.
“Hey,” he said, his voice devoid of any emotion.
To anyone else, it would be nerve-wracking if only because it seemed like his emotions were unreadable. To Penelope, however, it spoke to his state of mind, his own nervousness and residual shock. “Hey,” she answered, standing back to allow him entry.
Derek stepped in, his heart racing. A child. She was pregnant with his child! It hadn’t happened the way he’d hoped and dreamed, but he wasn’t sure he could complain. And now that he’d had a twenty minute drive to completely absorb the information, he felt much more comfortable with the idea. He looked around, catching sight of the sundae bowl on the counter. “You hate strawberries.”
Penelope actually laughed. “Peanut doesn’t,” she replied, stepping around him to take the bowl to the couch.
“Peanut?” Derek asked, following her lead.
“It’s what Em and Jayje nicknamed the baby,” she responded with a smile that she hoped hid her nerves.
But Derek was trained to read behaviour. He took a deep breath. “Pen, I’ve never been in this situation before. I don’t know what to do.”
Penelope blinked. That definitely wasn’t what she was expecting. She expected to have to beat around the bush a little bit to actually get what was going on in his head. “I’m not exactly sure either,” she replied.
He took her hand, meeting her eyes solemnly. “I want to be a part of this child’s life. I need to be a part of this child’s life.”
“I want you to be a part of Peanut’s life,” Penelope answered honestly. “But not if you’re doing it because it’s a responsibility.” She knew that wasn’t Derek’s style, but that didn’t mean she didn’t need to hear it too.
“It’s not,” he promised. “I’m going to be there for my child. For our child.”
Penelope sighed. Now came the virtual hard part. “How?”
“How what?”
“How do you want to be a part of Peanut’s life?”
“As much as possible,” he answered.
Penelope knew how important this was to him, knew that he didn’t want to be a part time parent, but she wasn’t sure he understood what he was committing to. “So we’ll shuttle Peanut back and forth?”
Derek sighed in exasperation. “I don’t know, Mama. I don’t want to miss anything, but I know that I’m going to.”
“I was just thinking about that,” she said with a slight chuckle. They weren’t going to get anything done if they tried to hash it all out now. It was enough for him to absorb that he was going to be a father, let alone all of the logistics that needed to go along with it.
“How?”
Her ice cream lay forgotten on the coffee table, but she didn’t care. “Well, you go away on cases, I work during cases… what are we supposed to do with Peanut?”
“I hadn’t thought about that,” he said honestly.
“I know,” she replied. “But remember, Hot Stuff, I’ve had more time to think about these things.”
Derek nodded solemnly. That was something he had been trying to avoid thinking about. Now that she’d brought it up, however, it gave him an opening. “Six months more.”
“We were at a weird enough stage in our friendship, Derek,” she said slowly, understanding the underlying tone in his voice. No one could read him like she could and it was something she actually enjoyed exploiting. “To throw the news of a baby into that mix… You’d bolted once, it would have torn me apart to have you turn me away again.”
He felt his heart clench. “I’m so sorry, Beautiful.”
“I know,” she responded trying for a brave smile. “Doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less.”
“I was stupid.”
She really didn’t want to talk about it. It was hard enough that she had to think about that night every time she looked at herself in the mirror, at the changes pregnancy had brought to her body. To talk about it with him, to bring up all of the pain and rejection she’d felt at waking up alone… it was quite simply asking too much. “It doesn’t matter now, Derek.”
“It does,” he insisted. He swallowed thickly. He didn’t bare his heart often. It had been stomped on one too many times for him to open up easily. But she’d been through so much that he hadn’t fully realized, that much he was sure of. “I took advantage of you.”
This time, Penelope’s sigh was one of exasperation and annoyance as she pushed herself up from the couch as gracefully as she could. “I was fully in charge of my state of mind, Derek. I didn’t exactly fight you off.” On the contrary, she’d encouraged him.
“It was a difficult case, you’d seen your family put on the line not once but twice. I shouldn’t have-“
“Don’t,” Penelope said sharply. “Whatever you were about to say, it’s irrelevant now, okay? It happened and I’m sorry I’m not what you wanted and I’m sorry I’m pregnant and-“
“Whoa!” Derek exclaimed, all but jumping off the couch to get to her side. “What are you talking about?”
Tears punched at her eyes as she angrily washed out her ice cream bowl. What a sad waste of good strawberry jam. “Please,” she scoffed, her throat choking.
“Stop,” he ordered, taking both of her hands in one of his and turning off the tap. “Talk to me.”
She sniffled as she struggled against his hold. “Why?”
“Because I want to know where this is coming from.”
“As if you don’t know,” she accused. Logically, she knew the mood swing had nothing to do with her actual mood. She could usually have conversations calmly, showing emotion, yes “ she wasn’t a rock like Em or Hotch “ but with enough clarity and without tears.
“I don’t,” he swore.
“Look at me,” she said tearily. “I’m the size of a whale at six months pregnant, I hide in my computers, I-“
“Stop it,” he almost yelled, probably scaring her into complying. He sighed. “I went about this the wrong way.”
Penelope snorted but let him lead her back to the couch. He sat on the coffee table, forcing her to the couch, keeping a hold of both of her hands.
“Listen to me. You are one of the most beautiful people I have had the pleasure of knowing. No,” he said as she opened her mouth to interrupt. “You’re going to let me finish.”
She snapped her mouth closed audibly. It had been a long time since she’d seen him this passionate about anything.
“You don’t hide in your computers,” he contradicted. “You help us catch criminals. You are the one we turn to when we’re completely at a loss, the person who finds connections that we could never hope to find. You’re the person who makes everything just that little bit brighter when we look at death, mayhem and destruction every day. You are compassionate, you are family, you are everything to us.”
The next words came out completely impassioned, trying to make her see what he already did. “You know I love you. I don’t understand what would make you think you are anything less than gorgeous.”
The tears had started flowing as he spoke, as he reminded her of how much she meant to the people she loved. His reminder of his words after Battle had shot her started her heart beating faster. Still, her insecurities held on tight. “I’m not exactly your type,” she said softly.
Emily had warned him about this, reminded him just before he’d left. He’d allowed it, knowing that Hotch’s absence was grating on her nerves. It would grate on him too if he was in her position. Hotch had been the only one called into Strauss’ office and too soon after the case for it to be anything necessarily good.
“What is my type?” he asked.
“I’m not the type you usually go for,” she said.
“You’re avoiding answering.”
Penelope rolled her eyes. “Thin, gorgeous, normal… The model type.”
“Huh,” he said. “I don’t want a person just beautiful on the outside.”
“Now you’re just talking in clichés.”
“I’m not,” he promised. “It takes a lot to put up with me.”
“Your habits aren’t that bad,” she said without thinking. “Well, except for that throw-yourself-into-the-middle-of-every-possibly-dangerous-situation one. I think they call that a hero complex.”
“We all have that,” Derek replied quietly.
“Hmm, Reid doesn’t.”
“Pen…”
“Look, let’s be honest, Derek-“
“Let’s,” he agreed, his tone warning. He wasn’t surprised when her mouth snapped shut.
“I don’t think we’re going to get agreement on this one,” she said quietly after a moment.
Derek sighed. “I don’t know how to get you to see that I’m happy about Peanut.” He arched an eyebrow as she giggled.
“You said ‘Peanut’.”
“That’s what you’re calling the baby, aren’t you?”
Penelope nodded. “I refused to find out the sex of the baby. Peanut’s generic enough.”
He laughed along with her, glad for the lightening of the mood. “I’m going to have to tell my mom.”
“We’ll tell your mom,” she promised.
“She won’t be upset,” he pointed out. “She’ll ask when the wedding is.”
“I’m not marrying you because you knocked me up, Derek Morgan.”
He chuckled. “I know,” he said. She was traditional in many ways, but with her previous comment about ‘responsibility’ he was sure there was nothing he could say now that would convince her marrying her would have nothing to do with Peanut. “But you will go on a date with me.”
“I beg your pardon?” The shock and surprise was more than obvious in her voice.
“I’ve done this backwards,” he tried to explain.
“Derek, come on,” Penelope whined. “I’m six months pregnant, not exactly date material.”
“You are always date material,” he said with a smile. “No teasing. And I’m not taking ‘no’ as an answer.”
She knew he could be as stubborn as she could and he seemed so gung-ho on it that she wasn’t sure she could even start to get him see that he was beating a dead horse. Her feelings aside, of course, but it would make her feel worse if something came of his chivalrous obligation just to assuage her feelings. That wasn’t Penelope’s style.
“I’ll pick you up tomorrow night,” he said. “We’ll keep it simple.”
She arched an eyebrow. “Simple?”
“Well, you’re going to have to get me a list of foods that make you sick, but we won’t be out late. We’ll go see a movie, have dinner… simple.”
She liked simple. Well, she’d like anything so long as it was with Derek Morgan, but he didn’t need to know that. Plus, either she’d wake up from this dream in the morning or he’d realize what a monumental mistake it was and everything would be back to normal.
“Let’s get you in bed, Mama.”
She waved him off. “It’s not bedtime yet,” she said. “I’m just going to watch a movie.”
“You’ll fall asleep on the couch.”
“I’ll have you know I haven’t done that in almost five months,” she told him primly. “My back hates me horribly in the morning and since it already hates me now, I figure less strain the better.” She laughed when he looked at her dubiously. “Go. I’ll be fine.”
He seemed to battle with himself for a moment before giving in. “Tomorrow. You’re not backing out on me.”
What was the point? He’d realize it soon enough and she’d be left as nothing more than the mother of his first born. It wouldn’t matter. “Tomorrow.”
He leaned forward to kiss her forehead. “I’m happy,” he said quietly, his hand straying sweetly to her stomach. “So happy.”
She followed him to the door, smiling as she watched him walk out and locking the door behind her.