Breathe Me by persnikitty5

She needed to get away from the city, away from work and away from John's prying eyes. Carter had requested a few days off work after making sure that Szymanski was out of the hospital and had everything he needed. The injured detective had lost a lot of blood, the hospital staff said it was a miracle he survived. The relief that Joss felt was indescribable considering she felt responsible for his situation. Her involvement with John and his friend left her with Szymanski's blood on her hands. She would not forgive herself if he did not make it. She was at his side in the hospital willing him to survive.

Joss was grateful that her son's school trip to Washington D.C. was this weekend. She would miss him but she did not want him to see her like this, sad and confused. That morning she dressed in a long sleeved black sweater and dark washed jeans. Carter took the time to fix her long dark tresses. Praying that the wind would hold them in place. He always enjoyed her hair styled this way and it had to be perfect. Once she was satisfied she grabbed her coat and left the brownstone.

Reese had taken to following Carter around whenever he could these past few weeks. Finch still kept the feed to her cell phone so John was also able to listen in on her phone calls from time to time. John learned that Szymanski survived, thank God. With the lie she told Lionel about going on a date with Szymanski Fusco did not question her requesting time off. He watched Carter the previous day drop Taylor off for his school trip. John felt a strange feeling come over him as he watched Carter hug Taylor fiercely before he got on the bus. There was no doubt in his mind that if he had made different choices that he and Jessica could have had a family. Not too big maybe one or two children. He shook is head freeing himself of those thoughts just a soon as they entered his mind. There was no use dwelling on things that could never be. John only possessed fragmented memories that he kept stored into a special part of his mind. He watched Detective Carter exit her brownstone and head towards her car. He started his engine when she got in and proceeded to follow her.

The drive out of the city was nice and it gave Joss a chance to think, although she tried to avoid it. The interstate was fairly empty considering the time of day. Most residents in the city were recovering from the previous night and those New Yorkers that lived this far out usually stayed in their suburban areas. The 45-minute drive seemed to go by rather quickly and Joss nearly missed the exit for her destination. She exited and turned onto the dirt road finally making it to the cemetery. Joss turned through the Iron Gate entrance into The Palmer Family Cemetery. She flashed her badge to Simon the security attendant.

"Hey Detective Carter haven't seen you for sometime."

"Hey Simon I know, the city keeps me busy."

"I was expecting to see you soon; with the storm and everything, figured you'd be by to tidy up." Carter smiled and nodded her head in agreement with Simon.

After a few more friendly words she drove through to the small lot by the Chapel and parked. Carter checked her appearance in the rearview mirror and exited her vehicle.

Carter seemed to be headed out of the city. John had the feeling that wherever she was headed it would be interesting. They drove 45 minutes north of the city before Carter turned off the interstate. The exit lead to a rural road and after another 5 minutes they were in front of the Palmer Cemetery. John watched as Carter pulled in through the old Iron Gate. She flashed her badge at the attendant in the security hut and exchanged a few words with him before he let her pass. It was obvious that Carter came to this cemetery quite often and John had an idea of who she might be visiting.

He made a U turn outside of the gate and parked further down the road so Carter wouldn't notice him. He climbed over the gate near his car and walked behind the chapel as Carter parked her car. John watched her primp in the mirror and smiled to himself. It was rare that he got to see Joss instead of Detective Carter. She was obviously headed to the grave of someone dear to her. She exited the car stopping to pop the trunk and grabbed a small gym bag. John looked around the small lot; there were only a few cars and they looked as if they belonged to the employees of the commentary instead of grieving New Yorkers.

Joss made her way down the large dirt path that separated the cemetery into to two large sections. The Palmer cemetery was about 100 years old so most of the paths were dirt. No cars were allowed pass the chapel parking lot so those that came to grieve were not disturbed. She chose the cemetery for this reason. It was nothing fancy or over the top like the other plots she looked at and the Palmer family ran it. She could come and visit anytime she wanted which worked perfectly with her unpredictable hours working homicide. She made a right turn down the smaller path and stopped a few feet in front of the headstone. She looked around and sighed. The storm hadn't been too bad. It just left the headstones covered in leaves and twigs. However, there were small amounts of dust covering her husband's headstone which was evidence of the large gap in time since her last visit. Joss sighed and shook her head. It seemed her work was cut out for her.

John noted the cemetery's simple layout. The plots were laid out in a grid with one long pathway that split the grounds into two large square sections. There were smaller paths that separated groupings of headstones into squared sections and allowed for access without stepping over too many graves. John found a tree, a few rows behind Carter, where he could hide. He activated the microphone on Carter's cell phone and waited. She opened the bag and brought out a small broom and dustpan. She began to clean the headstone taking great care. Her movements were efficient and precise, the tell tale signs of a former soldier. Carter fixed the picture that had fallen over and removed the dust and debris from the base of the stone.

After she was done thoroughly cleaning the headstone Joss removed a blanket from the bag placing it on the grass and sat down with her legs crossed. For a long time she stared at the headstone. She reached her hand out to trace the letters etched in the granite.

"Hey." She said in a voice that was much softer than her usual tone. "I know I haven't been around lately but you now how it is…" She trailed off. "Anyway, I just came by to clean up after the storm."

By now John noticed that Carter's voice was trembling on the verge of tears. She put her head down in her hands covering her face for a moment before she ran her hands through her hair. John moved up a few rows, while she took a moment, so he could get a better look at her.

"James…I miss you so much." She spoke. "Lately things have been so confusing. I've never had a problem with doing the right thing or even knowing what the right thing is. It seems like every time I try and help, someone is getting hurt or I risk everything. I used to think that if something happened to me things would work themselves out. Taylor had my mother and she would make sure he turned out all right. Then it happened, My CI shot me. Thank God I actually listened to some advice I'd been given and wore my fucking vest. Still I…" Carter paused for another moment. " I kept thinking about Taylor and about you. I just can't leave him alone. I don't think he could survive loosing me after everything we went through when you passed. I sometimes wonder if all this is worth it." A breeze went through the cemetery rustling the leaves and the trees surrounding Carter. "I just need to hear you say Don't worry Joss, just those three words could make me feel invincible…like nothing could touch us as long as you kept saying those words to me."

Tears ran down Carter's face but her body remained still. She still exhibited some control over her emotions and she seemed to be holding on as much as she could. John could relate to that feeling; the need to compartmentalize, saving the large part of grief for another time and place. Carter then swung her legs around and laid down resting her head on the ledge of the tombstone. She laid there for sometime with her eyes closed. John couldn't tell if she was sleeping or just resting but he figured it was somewhere in between.

John wanted so badly to comfort Joss. To look deep into her eyes and tell her just how sorry he was and how he would always be there for her no matter what. There were no words to whisper that could express just how much he cared for Carter. He knew that now. Seeing her sitting in front of the headstone, tears streaming down her face, John could not help but be moved. Carter grabbed hold of the feelings that lay dormant inside him and she would not let go. The sad fact is she was unaware, just as John was until now. Despite his need to move towards her John stood rooted to the ground. Deep down John knew that Carter- Joss would not want to see him; he and Finch had been the source of her confusion as of late. The reason she doubted her own judgment and the reason she was now forced to face the reality of her immortality in a job surrounded by corrupt counterparts. Not since her deployment and the death of her husband had Carter felt so vulnerable and seeing John would only make it worse. No, he would watch her silently until she was ready for him to resurface into her life

Joss wasn't sure how long she lay there resting her head on her husband's headstone. When she opened her eyes the sun was a little lower in the sky and she decided it was time to leave. She sat up dusting off her jeans and folding the blanket she slept on placing it back in her gym bag. Joss gave the headstone one last look making sure things were perfect until her next visit. "Next time Taylor will be with me." She said as she bent down to place a kiss on the headstone. Joss then gathered her bag and headed back to the main path and to her car.

John approached the head stone after Carter exited. There was a small picture of a much younger and pregnant Joss, and another picture of a young black man in his dress uniform. The head stone read here lies James Edward Carter, beloved husband and father K.I.A. John squatted down in front of the headstone and said " Don't worry James, I promise to keep Jocelyn and Taylor safe while you're gone."