Breathe Me by persnikitty5

Joss slowly opened her eyes and looked around. She looked down to see that she was still in her clothes from the day before. Damn, she thought as she got up. Looking down at her phone she saw that it was 8 am. There was no use going back to sleep, Joss was sure that she had slept enough to last a lifetime.

After she came home from the cemetery the previous evening she had taken to her couch turning on the TV to relax. Joss felt some of her stress disappear after she visited James but it was quickly replaced with longing. Joss had gone through all the complex emotions that went along with losing a spouse. There was a time when it had seemed that her sadness had fused with every fiber of her being and seeped deep into her bones. With the help of her family and the fact that she had a small child to take care of she was able to move on. But sometimes when Joss was alone she felt the ache set in.

She rubbed her arms unconsciously as she looked around the living room. Further evidence of her emotional state was staring her in the face as she looked at the TV screen. Joss decided to put in the DVD from James's going away party for his first deployment. She had been a nervous wreck that day. Planning the party, worrying over baby Taylor and trying to make James's last night in town the best it could be. She hoped those memories would keep him strong as he went half way across the world and away from his wife and baby. Frozen on the screen were James and Joss; so in love wrapped in each other's arms smiling. Joss stared at the screen feeling the emotions and ache come on even stronger.

She stood up and cleaned the small mess she had made around the couch and coffee table. Joss went to the kitchen placing her glass and bowl into the sink and looked out the window. The city was awake and moving about just as it did every day and Joss decided she should do the same. She was determined not to let the sadness get the best of her. She did a quick change into a pair of yoga pants, sports bra and a long sleeve tee shirt; a nice long run was always good for clearing her mind.

John said thank you to the barista as she handed him his coffee. He remembered to drop some change in the tip jar before he headed out the door. After he followed Joss back from the cemetery and made sure she was safe in her brownstone he decided to give her some privacy. Finch was still gone but had checked in with John like clockwork. John assured him that he was keeping out of trouble and that he was not following Carter as much anymore. John headed back to the car and looked at his watch; it was a little after eight and he knew Joss would be awake. He sat in his car and watched as she exited the brownstone. She did a few stretches at the bottom of the stairs before jogging off in the direction of the small park near her home. John turned on the small listening device in his ear; Joss left her cell phone at home so there was nothing for him to listen to. He made the decision not to follow Joss on her run. It would give him some time to think about his next move.

Joss returned from her run feeling liberated. The remnants of her sadness would never really go away but they were back to their manageable state. She showered and dressed thinking about what to do with her day. It was still early and she really had no plans. She sat down on her bed reaching inside to grab the burner phone John had given her. After she checked to see if there were any missed calls she sat the phone on the dresser and looked at it. The long drive and her morning run had given Joss plenty of time to think, mostly about him. She swore that she even saw John as she left her brownstone and again when she returned home. She just shook off the feeling. Obviously he was on her brain and her subconscious had made him appear.

Joss made up her mind that John Reese was not the type of man to pine over the loss of a colleague. For all she knew he was working another case with his mysterious friend. She was still upset with him and his friend but she did want to see John. Joss wasn't so blind that she couldn't see that her quitting had some effect on John. She saw the twinge of emotion as he had starred at her. His blue eyed stare bore into her; saying more than any words could. It was time for Joss to be an adult and face him. She owed it to him and their relationship…whatever it was. Joss picked up the phone; saying a silent prayer that her instincts were right and John really was outside her window.

John was about to start the car when he heard his phone vibrate. Finch wasn't one for text messaging and Fusco was getting deeper into HR so there was no need for him to contact John. He opened the phone and looked at the text. It simply read: We need to talk. For a few seconds John stared at the screen. All he had wanted since that day was to see Joss and explain himself. John was getting his chance and suddenly felt unsure of himself. Joss's hold on him had grown stronger after he saw her yesterday. John had witnessed her tenderness and caring first hand and he wanted so badly to be on the receiving end of her affections. He had seen Detective Carter the moral and tenacious cop who was truly one of the few good guys left in the city. Joss was also a woman, a strong one at that, who he never doubted could love with as much conviction and fortitude as she exhibited while on the job. John exited his car and crossed the street towards her brownstone. He made his way up the stairs and knocked.

Joss looked up from the phone and smiled. So she had been right when she thought she saw John outside her apartment. She wanted to and should be mad at him for watching her but she could not find it in herself to be. He had told her once that she wasn't alone and he obviously had meant it. She was able to see that now. Joss made her way down the hall and to her front door. She opened it and was greeted with John's familiar face.

"Hey" she said as she stepped aside to let him in. John smiled in reply crossing the threshold into her apartment. She closed the door as she watched John look around. Joss was certain that he had been in her apartment before and as result she made sure to always keep it neat. She smiled; guessing there were still some elements of her life that John wished to be told about instead of finding out for himself.

"Have a seat." She said as she ushered him towards the plush couch in the living room. Just then Joss heard her cell phone ring. She looked at the screen; Taylor was calling to check in. Joss picked up the phone and looked apologetically at John. "It's Taylor." She said. "Just give me a minute." Without waiting for his reply Joss walked into the hallway to speak with her son.

John watched as Joss walked away, hearing her voice as she talked with her son. He decided to take the moment to look around her apartment. It was his first time in Joss's home and he wanted to remember ever detail. In front of the couch was a small coffee table decorated with a few magazines and neatly arranged remote controls. Directly in front of him was a nice sized flat screen TV. He noticed the gaming system and games neatly arranged on the shelves below the TV, evidence of a teenage boy.

John looked at the TV. The screen had dimmed and the images on it were cast in shadow. He noticed the still-image looked like Joss. Curiosity got the better of him and he picked up one of the remotes, muting the TV before he pressed play. Suddenly the image of Joss and James Carter came to life. John watched as they laughed and kissed. He smiled as Carter tried to shy away from the camera and James simply laughed harder at her failed efforts. John continued to watch as James led her to the dance floor and wrapped her in his embrace. James was a tall man, taller than John but had a similar build. His skin was darker than Joss's. James was her protector and the way he looked at her, there was no doubt in John's mind that she was his entire world. John recognized the look in Joss's face. It was the same way Jessica had looked at him when she thought he was sleeping or otherwise engaged. John remembered feeling like he was the only man in the world when Jessica looked at him. He would have done anything and everything to make sure that Jessica looked at him that way forever.

Joss finished her conversation with Taylor and came back into the living room; she stopped suddenly behind the couch as she watched the screen. She had forgotten to remove the DVD and now John was watching one of her most treasured memories. She didn't know what to do at that moment so she froze. She watched John stare at the screen. His body was relaxed and he almost looked natural sitting on her couch. He suddenly picked up the remote and pressed stop.

"Sorry." He said as he turned around on the couch to face her. Joss shook her head as she made a B-line straight for the TV. She turned it off and sat down next to John.

"So, you wanted to talk to me?" He said in his most neutral tone. John noticed that Joss had put on her business face; she was now Detective Carter. She made no attempt to acknowledge his apology. John suddenly became nervous. He looked at the woman before him as he waited for her to speak. Although her spirits seemed higher, there was sadness in her eyes. John didn't expect it to go away overnight especially after what he witnessed the previous day. Even in her most depressing state Jocelyn Carter was still beautiful, painfully so.

Joss sat quietly for a few more seconds privately organizing her thoughts. She would try her best to remain calm and collected, there was no use letting her emotion run rampant in this situation. She ran her hands over her thighs smoothing out the nonexistent wrinkles then she turned to face John.

"I…Look John, I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking and I know what I said before but after speaking with Szymanski and giving it some thought I would like to continue helping you and your friend. However, some things will have to change." Joss looked John in the eye waiting for him to reply. He kept his neutral expression while giving a slight nod.

"I'm glad to hear that Joss but before we continue our arrangement there is something I need to say to you."

"Okay." She said, the apprehension apparent in her voice.

'I just wanted to apologize to you, really apologize. Our actions put you in an impossible situation."

Joss nodded in agreement. "And a trust was broken." Continued John. "It took a lot for you to trust us especially since we couldn't give you all of the answers upfront. Joss…" John then grabbed her hands and inched closer to her on the couch. "Is it possible for me to earn your trust again? I would never do anything to put you in harm's way. You've got to believe that." He reached a hand up to touch the ends of her hair that hung over her shoulder. " I care for you Joss, so much."

Joss looked from her hands and back to John. There was so much sincerity in his words and he once again stared at her with that intense gaze. She did trust John with her life but her feelings were another thing entirely and then it dawned on her. If John was parked outside her window today just how long had he been following her?

John noticed the change in Joss as she slowly moved her hand from his. He was crushed but immediately straightened his face; not giving away any emotions.

"How long have you been following me?" she asked in calm voice.

"Since the last time we spoke Joss. I told you I would-"

"Did you follow yesterday morning?" He did not want to lie to Carter. He was already on thin ice and the little trust she did have for him was fragile at best.

"Yes." Was all John said. He watched as Joss looked away. Her body began to mimic her actions at the cemetery. He could feel the barrage of emotions she was going through. If it had manifested to self physically John would be in a heap of trouble.

" I get you following me for work, or when you and your friend need my help with a number. But to the cemetery? Oh john…" Joss shook her head and the unsteady grip she had on her emotions was slipping and she was in a loosing battle to control them. Here she was sitting across from the man that was begging for her trust. Something that was hard for her to give before James and even harder after his death. The worst part was that she wanted so badly to trust him as a woman not just as a Detective. Before the incident with baby Leila and Szymanski she felt them headed in that direction but this halted it. Her behavior when it came to James was something no one had seen. When she would visit his grave with Taylor she never cried; always remaining strong. She was completely open for John to view and His gaze penetrated her, he saw past her defenses into a place in her bones where she hid her heartache over her husband's death and the joy of their short time together. Joss turned away feeling raw and overexposed.

John had to admit that he was somewhat confused but Joss quickly informed him of his wrong doings.

"You want me to trust you and I do John with work, with watching my back and with all that the numbers involve but you crossed the line. You followed me and listened to something so private that you had no right to know about."

"Joss, I didn't mean to." John pleaded but it fell on deaf ears.

"It doesn't matter if you didn't mean to, you did. It's my family John, my feelings. If you really want someone to trust you, you have to earn it. You can't just go around following them and spying on their darkest moments."

Joss wiped the tears from her face and continued. "How can I trust you when I know nothing about you and everything important about me - you've learned by spying on me?"